Women!
by Tatia Salvatore
Summary: Based on promo stills for 4x07, and set after the Miss Mystic Falls Pageant. Damon and Klaus end up at the Mystic Grill, drunk and discussing their most recent problems with two certain women in their lives. Klaus/Caroline and Damon/Elena pairings, more Klaus/Caroline, though.


**Author's Note:** I own nothing. I profit nothing. This is based on the stills from Episode 4x07, "My Brother's Keeper," set after the Miss Mystic Falls Pageant.

* * *

Damon sat at the bar in the Mystic Grill, just reopened after Connor's anti-vampire bomb exploded, downing the establishment's best bourbon, which was not as good as what he had at home, but he didn't want to be at home. He'd given Matt, who was substituting for the bartender, a break and bought the bottle, then tipped him generously. This evening required the drowning of feelings. Once again, he and Elena had gotten very close, and, once again, it had ended with rejection, her rejecting him, of course.

He was staring into the depths of the rapidly emptying bottle when the stool to his right moved.

"Hello, Damon." Klaus. Great. It was shaping up to be an even more wonderful evening. "Bartender, I'd like a bottle of what Mr. Salvatore here is having, please."

"Okay, coming right up, fresh from the stockroom," Matt replied, walking into the back. Damon, and he was sure Klaus, could hear the kid grumble as he went. "Great. Two drunk vampires."

"So, what's got you down in the dumps, oh great and powerful one?" Damon asked. Maybe if he could get Klaus talking about his problem that necessitated an entire bottle of bourbon, it would distract him from his. "Hybrid army being disobedient?"

"Here's your bourbon, Klaus," Matt interrupted, setting down the bottle and a glass in front of Klaus, and a new bucket of ice between him and Damon. Klaus gave him a hundred dollar bill.

"I'm sorry my sister caused you to ruin your truck and almost die."

"Thanks," Matt said, looking at Klaus like he'd sprouted antennae, which amused Damon. Then the kid moved down to serve the gaggle of giggling coeds that had just come in.

"Seriously, Klaus. What has gotten into you?" Damon was honestly shocked to hear Klaus apologize to someone, especially for something he didn't even do.

"I don't want to talk about it, least of all with you."

"Well, then, why did you sit here?"

Klaus turned enough to frown at him. "I assumed you were having Elena problems, and would, perhaps, be drunk enough to gab about them, which can be quite amusing, therefore distracting me from my problem." Klaus poured himself a drink from his bottle and downed it as Damon refilled his.

"Huh. I was hoping that, since you're here, you'd complain about your problem and distract me from mine." Damon thought about it, and he was willing to bet Klaus was having Caroline problems. He'd seen the hybrid Original trying to charm her at the pageant, and, from what he'd observed, Caroline was having none of it. He tried to gauge whether saying that out loud would lose him his head or heart. "How about this: I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours."

He watched Klaus think it over. "Alright. But let me catch up a bit on my drinking first. You feel free to continue yours." He waited while Klaus downed two more drinks, and downed one more of his own. "So, I start?"

"That's the deal."

Klaus sighed. "To answer your earlier question, I'm not upset with my hybrids, although they are a mind-numbingly incompetent lot. It's…I'm not pissed enough yet. Hang on." Klaus downed another drink. "I need more alcohol before I completely emasculate myself." Down went another.

This was going to be good and entertaining. Damon could tell. If Klaus was this nervous about talking about something, it had to be hilarious, and that meant it had to be Caroline problems. It took all his self-control not to rub his palms together in sadistic glee, as he had at the thought of taking Elena to the frat party. Oh, no, no. Couldn't think about that. That night had not ended well.

Klaus started speaking again. "After many centuries of being fine on my own, traveling the world, taking what I wanted, sleeping with the most beautiful women of every era on the occasions I wished to, I find myself completely at a loss, undone by a blond wisp of a thing who looks at me like I am nothing more than a disgusting insect squashed on the bottom of her perfect little stiletto heel. How does that happen?"

Damon laughed uproariously. "Hah! I knew it! You're having Caroline problems!" Klaus glared. Other patrons stared. When he caught his breath, he said, with all seriousness, and in a quieter tone, "You are asking the wrong person, my friend. The same thing happened to me when I met Elena. Only she didn't, at least not in the beginning, look at me like I was a disgusting bug on the bottom of her shoe. Oh, no. First, she flirted with me. I compelled her to forget that, which I could totally kick my own ass for now. Then, after we met again and I horned in on her dinner with Stefan and Bonnie, she looked at me with compassion, and told me she was sorry about Katherine, that I'd lost her, too. Well, that just did me in. I tried to push it away, but it was no use." Damon and Klaus both downed another drink.

Klaus was the first to speak again. "I had Tyler bite her, true. That was bad of me. But I cured her! I didn't have to! She really could have been collateral damage. And I even offered her a choice! I told her that if she truly believed that her life meant nothing that I would let her die, but I also told her all about what she'd be missing, all the wonderful cities and art and music and fashion in the world that awaited her, that she could have a thousand more birthdays. It was sickeningly sweet, and I couldn't believe what was falling out of my mouth. Then she took my blood, and it was like nothing I'd ever felt before. She wasn't the first vampire to tap a vein, but seeing her there, so small and sick and vulnerable, and holding her while she fed…Something happened. You know what it feels like to have your blood taken by someone you care for."

"Hah! Your heart grew three sizes that day!" Damon said, chuckling, then turned serious. "But, yes, I do know what it feels like to have your blood taken by someone you love, both as a human and as a vampire, and there's nothing like it, nothing to compare it to, really, though most think it's like sex. It's more."

"Definitely more," Klaus agreed. They both downed another drink.

"And, I even followed it up with a lovely bracelet made of platinum and diamonds and a hand-written card! I thought surely that would redeem me, and just as extra insurance I invited her to the ball and sent her the most exquisite dress, which she, of course, looked absolutely ravishing in. She agreed, begrudgingly, to dance with me, and I thought she was just playing hard to get, but no."

"You're preachin' to the choir, but keep preachin' brother!"

"So then I showed her my sketches and paintings, which no one but my siblings knew about before…Well, and a few European museum curators who came across them where I'd left them behind. Not even my best work, really. But I showed her some of the really good things. I offered to take her to Paris, or Tokyo, anywhere she wanted. And there was a horse and carriage, and she loves horses! I told her I fancied her, that she was light, for God's sake. Do you think any of that made a difference?"

"Not a bit."

"Of course not! So she throws my bracelet back in my face, accuses me of trying to buy her affection, and says that I have to sire people or buy people off or compel people to get them to like me because I don't even try to get to know or understand them. I stood there and let her say those things without much rebuttal, but the problem is that I've never felt able to trust anyone that I didn't have a hold over, and I don't understand most people! Sometimes I even try!" Klaus paused to pour another drink, which he sipped this time.

"I don't understand a lot of people, either. Go on."

"So then I decided to make her something, and then she couldn't accuse me of trying to buy her. I drew her with the horse, and placed it in the same velvet box I'd put the bracelet in and placed it on her bed. I wrote on it, 'Thank you for your honesty.'"

Damon giggled. "Wow. That is very sappy, Klaus."

"I know. I don't know what got into me. And if you ever tell anyone, I will rip out your heart and feed it to you."

"Oh, I won't. Who would believe me?"

"Good point. Let's keep it that way."

"I helped save her from Evil Alaric, told her to go home and not let anyone in, and promised her I'd take care of him. I saved her from those Council nutters and left Rebekah, my own baby sister, to take her away from the van before we could be caught. True, I didn't stop her when she thought I was Tyler and attacked me with kisses, but I called her 'Love,' which should have immediately tipped her off. Unfortunately, it was a bit of a delayed reaction and she then pulled away, fuming about how 'gross' it was," he said, making air quotes around the word gross, "And how she'd need to disinfect her mouth. And, besides, it's not like she let me have control of my lips long enough to say much of anything anyway."

This was just getting better and better. Damon could feel himself grinning like an idiot. This was just too funny. Even the biggest, baddest of the Originals had woman problems! Some things, he mused, must simply be universal to all life.

Klaus continued, oblivious. "Then this werewolf girl, Hayley, showed up at Tyler Lockwood's. Do you think he even had the courtesy to call and tell Caroline? No. She helped him break his sire bond. I don't know if you know this or not, but when we change, we don't get to keep our clothes. With all those heightened senses and endorphins and teenage hormones, what are the chances, do you think, that nothing at all happened between the two of them, with no one around for miles in the middle of the Appalachian Mountains?"

"Slim to none."

"Exactly! And he says that he almost died. Of course, Nurse Hayley was there to help. If I find out for certain that he cheated on Caroline I may rip his head off. No one should do that to her. And he should have told her about Hayley if there really was nothing between them."

"I agree. If Stefan wasn't my brother, I'd rip his head off right about now. Did you know he can't love Elena as a vampire? I asked him, point blank, why he wanted to cure her, whether it was because she wasn't cut out to be a vampire or if he couldn't love her if she is one. You know what he said?"

"No, what? Because last I knew, he loved her enough to resist several compulsion attempts on my part." Klaus had emptied his glass by now and poured himself another.

"He said, 'I'll always love her, but she's not supposed to be this person. I don't want her to be,'" Damon told him, trying to give his best Gloomy Stefan impression. "And I was like, what the Hell, man? Oh, I'm sorry she's not the innocent little damsel you met before, Stefan. Screw you! I like that she's gotten so much stronger! And I don't care if she's a vampire! I don't care if she has to feed straight from the vein. I wouldn't even care if she had to kill every time she fed to keep the blood down and stay alive, or if she totally loses her mind and needs to be kept in a padded cell sedated with vervain. She's still Elena, and I'd still love her. So I told him that I wanted to be clear about one thing. I said, 'I'm fine with her either way, brother.'"

"What a bastard! Obviously, he's only in love with her humanity. And good for you!"

Damon took a swig of his drink. "So, back to you. I saw you with Caroline at the pageant."

"I thought that she may at least open a window for me given the situation with Tyler and Hayley. No such luck. It's my fault for siring Tyler. If I hadn't sired him, he wouldn't have had to go break the sire bond, and he wouldn't have been in the mountains with Hayley. He wouldn't have ever met her. I didn't bloody know it would create a sire bond! I'd never had that happen to me before. The only one of us who got gifted with a sire bond was my oh-so-perfect-and-moral brother Elijah, who tried to save a woman dying of Spanish influenza at the turn of the 20th Century when he briefly pretended to be a doctor. She died before the blood had entered her system enough to cure her, and because she had younger siblings and parents to look after, she felt she owed Elijah. Unfortunately, because she couldn't control her bloodlust, she fed from and killed her family and walked out into the sun, ending her life. So I told Caroline that I didn't know turning Tyler would create a sire bond. And, of course, you can probably guess how she reacted. She turned her perfect little nose up in the air and said she didn't believe me."

"Well, I'm afraid it's most people's general assumption that you're full of shit. No offense."

"I'm too inebriated to take offense. Finally, just before the party broke up, I saw her storming out of the mayor's house. Apparently she'd caught Hayley flirting with Tyler. I let her vent. For a little while, it looked like she might at least cry on my shoulder, if not kiss me. But no. She continued ranting. I listened very patiently, to _every word_ she said. She can talk a lot, especially when she's angry."

"Believe me, I know. I dated her once."

"You did?"

Uh-oh. Damon felt like he may have been about to step into a trap. If he wanted to rip Tyler's head off for cheating on Caroline, how would he feel about what Damon did to Caroline? He charged ahead, anyway. "Well, before I tell you, understand that I was a lot different then than I am now, and I think I've mostly made up for what I did, so that should give you some hope. I, um, seduced her, then compelled her into being, basically, my own personal blood bank."

Klaus scowled. "And how did you make up for that? Explain, or I may feel like taking your head off."

"Well, I used my blood to heal her when she had internal bleeding from a car accident she got into. You know, weirdly, Tyler was driving!"

"One more reason for me to do away with him, if only Rebekah hadn't destroyed my ability to make more hybrids, and if only I didn't know that Caroline would never forgive me."

"So, anyway. I healed her. But then Katherine came in and killed her while she had my blood in her system. Fast forward, and her mother found out she was a vampire. I didn't kill her mother, but locked her up in our basement until the vervain could get out of her system. Liz was going on about how Caroline was a horrible monster, and I stood up for her. She heard me. She was a much better vampire than I'd thought she'd be. She's too good at it, really. And she's such a stronger, more confident, independent person now. You wouldn't recognize her as a human. She was so insecure and clingy. Ugh. And I tried to save her when a pack of werewolves held her hostage and tortured her. I saved her and Tyler from you, and got wolf-bitten in the process. Plus, I had Elena pleading my case."

"Well, there's the link I'm missing. None of her friends will put in a good word for me at all. Unless I could maybe compel Matt…"

"Don't even think about it. First of all, Matt drinks vervain now that Elena's not feeding from him anymore. The Council didn't get his stash. And, second, Caroline would know, and that would only make her hate you more."

"So what do I do?"

"I don't really know. I think both of us are just going to have to make the effort to be the better men and wait for the others to screw up irreparably, and then for Caroline and Elena to figure out that we're the better men and the others have screwed up."

"Huh. Makes sense. I suppose it's a good thing we're all capable of living forever."

"True. But we'll have to behave as long as it takes, too. For you, that means no eating her friends, or taking them hostage, or torturing them, or using them in arcane rituals, or siring them, or killing them in some other capacity, or any nefarious plot of any kind that involves anyone she loves."

"I think I can handle that. If Stefan and I can find that cure, then Caroline and I can both be human. Maybe she'd like me if I was human. Well, though, I suppose I'd still be a werewolf. Damn. But you know what I mean. I'd only be bad on the full moon, and she could chain me up! I'd let her."

"Hey, now, I don't need to hear about the kinky details of your Caroline fantasies. That's just too much information."

"Well, I'm finished. What happened with you and Elena?" Klaus asked.

"So you may know that after Stefan made his latest deal with you, and after much weirdness and distance between the two of them since she transitioned, Elena dumped his ass." Damon replied.

"I did hear that. Go on." Klaus took the last sip of bourbon out of his current glass.

"So I'm thinking that, hallelujah, I may actually have a chance! It's not like the time she broke up with him because Katherine was threatening her family unless she stopped seeing him. It was actually because of something _he did_." Damon paused to take a gulp of his drink. "So they had their little drama, and, as usual, she came to me, depending on me to get her through the festivities. Which I did. And we danced, just like we did when Caroline won Miss Mystic Falls because Stefan flaked on being Elena's escort at the last minute because he was on a short-lived blood binge. That is really where I think it became evident to her that she had feelings for me. At least she _has_ admitted she cares about me, that she has feelings of some kind for me, but anyway…We danced. I took her to feed afterward. She did. Then she wanted me to take her home. Which, again, I did. She's always accusing me of not respecting her choices, but I respected her choice. I respected her choice to break up with my brother. I respected her choice to go home. I just don't respect choices that put her at high risk of dying."

"I can understand that. I wouldn't want Caroline in the line of fire, not now, anyway. Go on, mate."

"I took her home, then went back to the boarding house to give her space. Not long after I got home and got a good fire going in the fireplace, there she is, right beside me. Apparently, for whatever reason, tonight she was having trouble tolerating being in the house with Jeremy without wanting to eat him. Or, at least, that was her excuse for coming over. She starts crying about what a terrible vampire she is, and I tried to sooth her and make her feel better about it. She's so new, and, for being so new, she's got great control, killing Connor aside. I don't know anyone in her position that wouldn't have snapped his neck for staking them. Shit, I just realized what I said. I'm sorry. Please don't take it out on her. She didn't know."

"I'm not mad at Elena. I'm not terribly mad that you know about the cure. Just don't spread it around."

"I won't. So, she's crying into my chest, and then she stops, and I had Miles Davis's _Kind of Blue_ playing in the background, and we start swaying, and she looks up at me like she does right before she, as you put it earlier, attacks me with her lips, which she's done, after tonight, on more than one occasion. Then, she pulled back and nearly turned over the liquor cart getting away from me."

"Ouch. Did she need to disinfect her mouth, too?"

"No, thankfully. But she stood over there all wide eyed and then started pacing and apologizing!" Damon proceeded in his best Elena impression, "'I'm sorry, Damon! I shouldn't have done that. I just broke up with Stefan. I don't know what I'm doing. I care about you, and I don't want to hurt you. It's too soon to even think about anyone else…' Blah, blah, blah…It's the same old spiel. She's lying to herself, and everyone else. At least my brother knows now that she's lying to herself."

"Even I know she's lying to herself. She's much more protective of you, and, from what little I've observed, she seems happier when she's with you!"

"I know, right? Really, she and I are right together, we're just afflicted with terrible timing. And it's mostly my fault. I compelled her to forget that I met her first, and I compelled her to forget the first time I told her I loved her. I think we'd be together by now if I hadn't done that. I can't be sure, of course, but I really do believe so."

"It's not just that, mate. You scare her. I've seen a lot in the years I've been wandering the Earth. She's only 18 years old. For her, loving you, and allowing herself to bear the full brunt of your love for her—which is unconditional, as everyone can plainly see—is like diving into the deep end of the ocean when she barely knows how to swim. You're higher stakes. She knows that if she wants to end it with Stefan, he'll accept it, and leave her alone. On the other hand, she knows that if she starts something and gets scared and tries to end it with you, if she still has any feelings for you at all at the time, you'll know and you won't give up so easily, and you won't leave her alone. She knows that, once she dives into it with you, it's forever."

Damon was, once again, shocked. "That's very deep, Klaus. And, oddly enough, I think you may be right. Still, it would be nice to just get on with it and quit stalling."

"Indeed, but, as Shakespeare wrote in _A Midsummer Night's Dream_, 'the course of love never did run smooth.' We're just going to have to deal with that."

The sound of someone clearing their throat nearby put an end to their conversation. It was Matt. While they'd been talking, the Grill had emptied of people. "Okay, you two. It's midnight, which is closing time. I don't care where you go, but you can't stay here. I have to close up, and then I have got to go home and get some sleep."

"Alright. We're going," huffed Damon.

"Thank you for the bourbon," Klaus said. The two headed for the door, and Klaus stopped in front of Damon. "I think it goes without saying that we shall never discuss what was said here tonight with each other or anyone else. If you spill so much as a drop of anything I've told you tonight…"

"I know, I know. You'll rip out my heart and feed it to me. If you even tell anyone we had a long conversation in which we commiserated over our respective girl problems, I will find some way to have you desiccated and then throw you into the Atlantic Ocean."

"Fair enough. I agree to the terms." Klaus held out his hand expectantly.

"Fine. So do I." Damon gave his hand a quick shake, and they both walked off into the night, a bottle of mostly-empty bourbon hanging from their fingertips. Well, at first. Damon remembered there was a loose end to tie up, and returned to the Grill, finding Matt heading to his truck. Damon stepped into his path.

"Now, what?" Matt asked, irritated.

"Just one thing. You have two choices. You can either agree to keep secret anything you heard Klaus and I talking about this evening, as well as the fact that we were talking and drinking together at all, or you can come home with me, and I can lock you in the basement until the vervain leaves your system so I can compel it out of you."

"Man, I can keep a secret. And, honestly, I'd rather not remember you two getting drunk and all buddy-buddy. It was disturbing. Besides, who would believe me if I told?"

Who indeed? "Just so long as we understand each other."

"We do. Goodnight, Damon."

With that, Matt got into his truck and sped off, and Damon set off to the boarding house, whistling a jaunty little tune.


End file.
